When I was young, an exercise that I remember having to do from time to time was to write myself a letter to be opened at some time in the future. Ever since the first time I did this, I became inspired by the very idea of what we can learn from ourselves and I started leaving things behind for myself to find again in the future. My journals are without a doubt some of my most prized possessions because they contain inside of them a part of me that will be forever immortalized. Because I took the time to document all the things I was feeling at various times, I can revisit them and feel again exactly what it felt like to be me then. So now again, after some childhood inspiration, I take the time to practice an exercise that I find to be so cathartic and healing. I hope I can inspire you to do the same. I promise you will learn at least one thing you didn't realize you already knew the answer to all along if you take the time to revisit some of those things that may be holding you back. Dear Self - Welcome to the world! I am happy you are here. You are already incredibly lucky because you are surrounded by so many people that love you. They are all here. For you. And I'll tell you something else - they never abandon you. This means that without doing anything at all, you have already accomplished possibly the biggest goal in life. That is, to find people, good people, to share your life with that truly love you. Love. That's all there is. Do not ever forget that what you were born in to today makes you more fortunate than most of the people in the rest of the world. Appreciate this fact and use it for good. But also don't let anyone make you feel guilty about it. None of us gets to choose the lives that we are born in to. Each person has their own unique struggles and trails in life to overcome regardless of the lottery that is their genetic makeup, family life, and socioeconomic status. Always be kind to people. Even though you will grow up to be perceptive, you still can't ever know for sure what someone else is going through. Remember that everyone has their own story to tell. You do not know everything. Even though you think you do. You will always have a lot to learn. But as much as you do learn - never lose your naivety, for it is that quality that will always keep you young. Let other people lead sometimes too. I know you mean well, but sometimes it's a good thing to sit back and relax. You will get better at this with age. Slow down. I'm gonna say that one twice: Slow down. I know you want so badly to grow up and make something of yourself. But don't worry, you will be just fine! I wish I could tell you now that I know where you're gonna end up, but I'm not sure we will ever know that. I don't even think that's the point. Please try to enjoy where you are now, and stop worrying so much about the future. It is ok to celebrate your accomplishments, even if you think they are small. Be immature and young and silly and fun and oblivious for as long as possible. Soon enough the world will try its hardest to break you and morph you in to a cynic. I want you to fight this. Because the temptation to become completely jaded is always just along the horizon for you. Continue to choose the other option. No one is actually paying as much attention to you as you think. Seriously, calm down. Laugh at yourself! Remember the way it feels to play outside until the sun sets on a hot summer day with all those neighborhood boys. Soon enough, the world will completely change and this time will be gone forever. Hold on to it in your mind so you can figure out a way to recreate this for your children. Because they will need help escaping from all the technology that will soon begin to consume everything around you. Stop skinning your knees so much. Seriously, you will have constant scabs for about five years of your life. But remember what it was like to be truly fearless. Unfortunately, this will go away. Soon enough you won't be that girl who climbs to the top of tall buildings and jumps off roofs and rolls down steep hills all the way in to the water. Or plays every sport you could fit in to a day. Or rollerblades for hours all over town. You'll eventually become quite cautious and careful. But this is ok too. Find someone to share your life with that brings out that recklessness in you. Because without that, I don't think you'll ever be satisfied. Appreciate your school. I know it will frustrate you that your world feels so little sometimes, but just enjoy it while it lasts. You can't possibly know this now, but that place will give you more space to grow than you will probably ever understand. Because your world is small - you will learn to be very big. And this will define the choices you make for the rest of your life. Enjoy your childhood friends. I can tell you that you are lucky and they will stick around for quite a long time. However, understand when it is time to let a friendship go. Knowing someone your entire life is not really reason enough to let them treat you badly. Think about what this means to you and remember it when the time comes. When you figure out how to move on - let me know. Try not to make fun of people as much as possible. I know you think most people are a waste of time - let them be. There's not use in trying to control how other people make you feel. Just enjoy the show. Don't let Lucas Tucker try to touch your boobs behind the bushes under the Headmistresses office in third grade. And when you suspect he likes Chelsea Dodd more than you, break up with him. But don't obsess over him after. No one knows what it means to really like someone in elementary school. And enjoy the fact that when he reads this one day he will probably be super embarrassed but secretly proud of himself for being so bold at such a young age. Remember to side with the underdog sometimes too. As long as this does not compromise your morals. It might make your life more challenging at times, but it's always a good thing to believe in someone when no one else does. Be silly and dance exactly how you want to every chance you get. I promise it is way more fun to make a fool of yourself in a group than it is to stand awkwardly on the outside wishing you were included. No matter what age you are - people will only think you are awkward if you are uncomfortable within yourself. So just relax and enjoy the ride. Try not to take everything so seriously. When you meet that boy, that one that makes you feel like the most special girl in the world for all the wrong reasons, do not let him fool you. This is not what love is and it is not healthy. Anyone that tries to create a negative view of your family in your mind is only trying to control you. I know you won't listen to me. So just remember to learn from what you experience. That way, you can help another young girl who wants so badly to believe she is special too once day. And you will. Enjoy every single second of camp while you are still a camper. But then let yourself become completely consumed by it as a counselor. Do not let your idle mind wander to the outside world quite as much as you do. I can't possibly explain to you how much you will miss this place when it is gone. Cherish your summers. Do not be reckless with other people's hearts. I know you think everyone just wants to be your friend - but you are wrong. Usually when boys hang around you, they want to be more than that. Be careful when you let yourself get too close. People get hurt that way. Even though you won't mean to, you will learn this the hard way. More than once. When you meet the first boy that really makes you go weak in the knees, you won't recognize it in the beginning. You will fight it for so long that he will trick you in to falling for him. This will make you forever crave a relationship that stems from friendship. You can thank him for that, but otherwise - tread carefully. He will take you on such an emotional roller coaster that you will think you won't ever recover. You will. Recognize that while you will probably always be attracted to this person, he is dangerous and unpredictable. Whether or not you think this is good for you is a choice you will eventually have to make. But when he asks you to leave your favorite place in the world to come spend time with him, do not go. You can't know this now, but it will live up to be your only true regret. You will be leaving something behind that you will never be able to get back and you will miss it for the rest of your life. Enjoy the whirlwind of your first true love. When you finally find this one, he will need no introduction. He will be one of those boys that was constantly there in your life that you never really saw. He will awaken in you an intense desire to please, and inspire you to become a better person. You two will grow more together than you will ever think possible. Remember that it's ok to let someone see your imperfections. These are what make you unique - and strangely, they are probably the very things that the right person will fall in love with about you. Remember to be patient. Not everyone changes as quickly as you do. And not everyone sees the world in the same way either. Appreciate another's perspective. And help them learn to communicate their thoughts to you and to the world. Try not to control everything. You can't possibly take on the stresses of all the people you love in the world. But you will probably die trying. Don't put so much pressure on yourself. It is healthy to explore and you should always take advantage of an opportunity for growth...within reason. Remember every lesson you learn from children. They see the world in such a pure and inspiring way. Try to be like them as much as you can. When you get to Disney World, let it be your light. You will be given an opportunity to make so many people's lives brighter and touch them in more ways than I can tell you. Do this with your whole heart. And then bring it with you in to the real world. Everyone deserves to believe in magic. Hold on to every single minute of that first summer there. You will make lifelong friends from all over the world. And because of them, you will finally start to see yourself become more of the person you always thought you wanted to be. Let yourself fall in love with everything. And everyone. Don't be afraid of what this might mean. Enjoy your family. Be happy that you have a sister that will always be your best friend. She will provide you the perspective that an older sibling does and will always tell you the truth about yourself. This is invaluable. But it is also not easy for her to be hard on you, even when you need it. Remember that. Cherish your education. You will have the opportunity to be a part of a community that will be made up of some of the most fortunate and talented people in the world. Absorb everything you can. And let yourself be humbled. It'll be great for your character. Celebrate new friendships and travel as much as you can. Nothing will provide you the perspective and space you so desire than adventure and exploration. Find someone you love and take them with you. Break your own rules. Let the world inspire you. Cry. Be thankful. Never apologize for being so ambitious. Always take the time to help others. Smile. It never returns bad results. Be a good listener. And always, always be there for a friend. When the time comes to spend some time on your own, do it. You will never learn to truly appreciate what you have unless you can learn to live without it. Don't be selfish. Don't be afraid to try everything at least once. Do not worry if people like you or not. Chances are, they don't. But why should this matter to you? Understand that people will often try to use you. Help them anyways. It is always a good idea to let people think they are right. Once you master this, you will be able to have everything you ever wanted. If you have the opportunity to fall in love again, take it. Even if you think you know how it will end. Passionate emotions are the best thing you have and you will ultimately be happy that you felt anything at all. Because emotions can be few and far between. Do not be afraid. Love is the only thing in the world that matters at all. Nothing else. Let people love you. I know this is a terrifying. But do it. You won't be sorry. And even when it hurts, know that it was still a connection. Be happy about that. Don't let your fear prevent you from making that same mistake over and over. Know that you may never know what you want to be 'when you grow up.' Be ok with this fact. Your life will be just a brief moment strung together by a series of choices. Do exactly what you want. Move to that big city and chase your dreams. Failure is not only just an opinion - it is an illusion. The only true failure is to have robbed yourself of any experience that has the potential to propel you further along your journey in to becoming exactly who you are meant to be. You are beautiful, intelligent, and most of all passionately curious. You have all the skills you need to succeed at anything you choose to do. We all are. And we all do. We just need someone to believe in us enough to remind us from time to time. Believe in yourself and believe in others. You are strong. There is so much I'd like to share with you here, and so much more left yet to discover, but I will leave you with this. Now get some rest, because you have a long life ahead of you. I look forward to seeing you in the future! Be good to us, but more importantly, be good to the world. Because people won't remember what you said or did, they will only remember how you made them feel. Remember to hug your dad every chance you get, -Remy Now I dare you to take some time and write your own letter to yourself. I think you will be surprised what you discover.
POST MIGRATED TO WWW.REMYGODWIN.COM Today I had the desire to write. So, I sat down with intensions to explore something completely different as I took a drink out of my nalgene bottle...and then I saw a blurred reflection on the water of an all-too-familiar logo that just so happened to match the one on the t-shirt I am also currently wearing. Camp Beckwith. Even just hearing that name echo in my head as I type it conjures up unexplainably passionate emotions filled with the most spectacular form of bitter-sweet nostalgia I can ever hope to experience. If you were lucky enough to have a place like this in your life, this is for you. Enjoy the memories! 1) You looked forward to the summer time more than anything else. But not because of swimsuits and parties and whatever everyone else in the world did when school was out, but because you got to go live at your favorite place in the world with approximately 30 of your best friends. I've felt this way for as long as I can remember - this desire to remain forever young. And because of it, I kept journals for a large portion of my life. Now, every time I reread them, it's like I am reopening a gift that I gave to myself years ago. Some of the things written in there were surprisingly mature and honest. It's a strange sensation to learn from a younger version of yourself a lesson you thought you already knew the answer to. To go on a familiar journey, sometimes with a new perspective. It's inspiring, embarrassing, comforting, and unsettling. Sometimes I am reminded of an emotion or memory I used to cherish, that I have somehow forgotten to feel. In addition to journals, I have a few very special places that I have felt some of my strongest emotions. And while I believe it is truly the people that these memories contain that make them special, these places do still maintain a sense of happiness for me. I grew up in the same town my entire life. In the summers, I went to camp. The same camp. With the same people. Every summer. And then, when I was old enough, I would soon work at this camp. There, I would begin to discover who I was then, and who I wanted to become in the future. While I have long since moved on to other things in life, I can still profoundly feel the way I felt there. I remember being thirteen and in complete agony with the inability to sleep because the boy I had what is probably the biggest crush I've ever had in my life on was sleeping in just the next cabin over. Oh to be so close to him! All I wanted was to hold his hand and smile like an idiot at him all day. (And maybe share a pillow during a rainy day movie in the chapel). And then I remember being seventeen and totally in love with a boy who wasn't there with me, and thinking about the way it would feel to see him again at the end of the summer, but still not wanting it to go by a second faster - because I was with my family, and he could wait. I remember getting trapped outside during spontaneous thunder storms, skinny dipping when we thought no one was watching, singing at the top of our lungs, waking up to watch sunrises, staying up much too late to talk and not worrying so much about the future, and most of all, I remember crying together with such an intense passion when we were forced to leave one another and return to the real world. Who really feels such strong emotions like these now? And then there was Disney World, my other home - which didn't truly gain its full meaning until it became my literal home. The memories I have made and shared at that place will break my fall forever. Have you ever looked into the eyes of a child when they see the castle for the first time? What about when they see Mickey? Or Fireworks? This is the stuff of magic, people. And I will always cherish it. I've always had difficulty connecting to people, in one way or another. Not because I don't try, but because the type of interactions I am constantly searching for are few and far between and incredibly rare. Despite my efforts, I am profoundly opposed to simple, small talk and the cyclical patterns of ups and downs that I watch most relationships suffer from. It seems to me that, although people claim they want to find their 'soul mate' or their 'best friend,' what most people are looking for is someone to give voice to their inner silence so they can avoid having to answer life's big questions. Why seek something greater if you have others around to occupy you? To me, this is the easy way to coast through your life, no real responsibility to anyone or anything - but always just a consenting participant. One of the masses. I am completely unable to relate to this mentality in so, so many others. They have to be aware that the people they spend their time on feel just the same way about them, right? Lukewarm.
I first became aware of this when I was about 11. I have a childhood friend that lives her life this way, still to this day. She is fantastic fun and I always have a good time when I spend time with her, but each interaction is always so clearly guarded by strict lines that are not to be crossed. Namely, no expectations can be had at any point. And I don't even mean the expectation that she would be there in an emergency, I mean like...nothing - not even plans for later in the evening. She always operates on an "Only if it's perfect for me," mentality. And yet the expectation on her friends from her is considerable. It seems to be how these types of things work. And yet somehow, she seems happy...at least outwardly. Although this friend is an example, she is by no means the only person in my life that operates in this fashion. Everyone in the world has different degrees of themselves that they are willing to share with the world, and each of those comes with a different level of expectation from others. The consistency and 'responsibility' in a relationship of any kind is what makes it worth while. Through an unspoken promise we make to our friends and lovers that we will be there for them, we are able to create a safe environment where we have the blessing of learning about one another, and perhaps more importantly, learn from one another. It is through these relationships that we are able to discover ourselves and learn who we are, how we feel about the world, and so many other profoundly important things. But what happens when no one is willing to put in the time and effort required to achieve this? What then happens to the world? It's an absurd phenomenon to me because it's truly very ironic. How often do we hear others complain about how no one is listening, or how they just want to find that perfect love? The reality is that you are going to get what you give as far as relationships are concerned. This is not to say that people will not disappoint you. What I mean is, if you are not actually wanting to connect to the person you are spending your time with, how can you expect them to do the same for you? Take a minute to think about your best relationship for just a minute...what separates it from the rest? Is it because you grew up together and don't know anything else? Is it a sibling that has always been there? Is it that person you met on the first day at a new school? Is it your new roommate that you found on the internet and call your best friend because of proximity? Why is this person special to you? For me, what separates the people I value apart from everyone else is the connection I am able to make to them. There is a quote that goes something like this: Simple minds discuss others. Average minds discuss events. Great minds discuss ideas. I like to think about this when I am observing relationships around me. People seem to thrive on negativity. The existence of this negativity is the basis of their relationship and probably the only real reason that they have anything to say to one another. This overflows in to every facet of this relationship. The people they hate, the things they hate, the line is too long, the server is too slow, the weather sucks, that person did this to me once, et cetera. And then something I find to be extremely strange occurs: they do this to each other. Now, suddenly a group of friends forms and is made up of people who are each saying negative things about the others, consistently. And they know this is happening! Do any of them really like one another? And how do they come up with so many 'small talk' things to say? I just can not for the life of me understand what these types of people are gaining from one another except the lack of outward loneliness. But maybe that's all they're seeking... What I've Learned: People do not really care about you. They might seem that they do for a glimmer of time, but when you get to the core of the relationship - it's always about what they can get out of it. People are seeking others to fill their spare time, but they do not actually perceive you as a real person. This begs the age-old question of whether altruism is or is not real. My theory is that everything we do is a show for others in one way or another. The clothes we wear, the job we have; everything is all to create a very specific image of what we want to project to the world. This is no different when it comes to 'good deeds' we do for others. This is the exact thing that makes charities so successful. People love to show off all the good they've done for the world. But what about the people that do silent good deeds that no one ever hears about? This still makes that person feel that they are a better person for what they did. Maybe they did want to do something nice for someone else, but only because they like the way it makes them feel. This is not altruism, it's narcissism. I like to believe it exists out there somewhere in chosen special people. I'll even say that I believe myself to be one of those people, because one of my life's callings is to connect to others, and to help them learn to do so in return. But I can't be the judge of that. Truly, that's why a real friend is not only important, but imperative - friendship provides perspective, and it makes you a better person. We sort of live in an age of 'whoever cares the least has the most power,' in relationships. Technology and social media certainly have their roles in this mentality, but truly it's more profound than that. In life, we are given the capacity to think and process ideas, concepts, and emotions. It is our quest to learn to connect to the world around us and our responsibility to ourselves not to let the fear of what we might discover cripple us. This is why we are designed to respond to community. We genuinely need others to help us along this path, to support us, guide us, and love us - just as we do for them. Unfortunately, it has become the norm to let this fear prevent us from really seeking what would satisfy us. True companionship. No limits. No barriers. No rules. Just raw love. Just as you would do anything for whatever you think is the most important thing in your life, it is my sincere hope that you can learn to bring that in to your friendships, too. What is so scary about letting someone really see you? So, if you're really lucky, you will find at least one person who really loves you. Without conditions. This means that this person will love you no matter what happens, no matter how difficult. You are forever bonded by your love for each other and the loyalty that stems from that is unbreakable. While up to this point I've only been able to find that with my family, it is my passionate hope that it is possible for this love to exist out of the dynamic of your nuclear family system. I see no reason you can't love someone unconditionally that wasn't born right next to you. Maybe love is taught. Maybe it is felt. And maybe if you don't have an example of this kind of love in your foundation, you are unable to experience it. Whatever the reason may be, I wish you all the gift of an unconditional relationship with another. But I urge you to be the type of person that gives this love in return. If we can truly accomplish this, we could change the world - one relationship at a time. Being young is a bit like a disease. The lucky ones are infected with an over source of ideas, hopes, wishes, dreams, and aspirations. Some will let their inspirations overtake them, throw caution to the wind, and explore their passions as they live their lives finding out who they really are. Others will let these qualities debilitate them. For some, the very idea of doing what we crave terrifies them - these young people will instead waste their potential for fear of change. The caveat that strikes the young is the constant vision of failure, but in reality, it's actually a fear of success and what that might really mean. What happens when you get exactly what you always wanted? When you're young, you have all the potential in the world just lying before you, beaconing for you to come explore it. However, in order to do so, you must let go of a part of yourself to allow the new inside. This choice will most certainly be among the most difficult to make in your lifetime, the choice to leave yourself behind to see what comes next.
I've always been the type of person who desires adventure. I could list countless times in my life up to this point where I've laid awake at night excited for the future, but simultaneously apprehensive - always with a slight curiosity as to what it would be like if I just stayed home and waited for the next opportunity to come. I never listen to that voice. From being six years old, and crying because I have to get a huge shot so I can go out of the country for the first time, to being sixteen trying to choose whether to move abroad and pursue a new career or to devote myself to what would become one of the most influential places of my life, to now being twenty-two and again searching for the answers to where my life will head next. I have never had a problem with chasing those cravings that I find myself with. Although I do often mourn the change, I am always finding myself happily searching for the next exciting thing. Through each of the phases in my life, I've found that I have difficulty really appreciating where I am and how special that is until that time is coming to a close. I think this is the curse of ambition. Although I am able to confidently reach toward my potential, something buried within this quality also temporarily blinds me to how wonderful things really often are. It's such a double-edged sword, if you are lacking this ambition you will stay the first place that you're comfortable forever, but if you possess it then you will never truly allow yourself this comfort because it will never satisfy you. Or perhaps just out of fear for being comfortable, because what does that really mean? To me, it sounds a bit boring. But maybe that would be nice, too. What I know is that I'm not someone who is able to find out, at least not at this point. I am infected with the beauty of youthful desire. I want to explore the world, make an impact, get lost, make mistakes, be a bit reckless, do exactly what I want, and let my experiences change and shape me along the way. What I've learned: Everything looks good in retrospect. Remember how difficult third grade seemed at the time? What about how bogged down we all felt our senior year of high school, trying to balance so many things at once? Look at your life now and realize that we will someday look at this time and giggle to ourselves at how easy we had it and how much potential really laid before us. I used to go a small school with only about 35 people in my class. There was once a time that I didn't even know other schools existed. I used to work at an amazing summer camp, where I got paid to play and be a leader to children of all ages, as well as be a child myself. I used to live with my best friend and have the ability to say goodnight to her in the next room everyday. Right now, I work at Disney World - The Place Where Dreams Come True. Everyday I get to touch someone's life at a time that is special to them. These are all phases of my life that will forever be things that shape and affect me. If only I could truly be in the moment, as happy as I can see I really was after I've moved on to the next thing. Try to appreciate the special moments you're given. Appreciate them while they're happening, not just after the fact. It's ok to be in the place you are now - it's part of what will shape you to who you think you want to become. But the reality is this, every experience you find yourself a part of will cause you to reevaluate what you desire, if you let it. That's a good thing. If you ask a child who they think they will be 'when they grow up,' they will tell you the greatest thing they can comprehend at that time. Isn't that exactly what we do now too? There's always something new to learn, always someone new to let in to your life, always another adventure to be a part of. Even so, keep the ones your already have close to your heart - that way, when you do find yourself at a crossroads, you won't find yourself lost, not knowing who you are. "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." "To succeed in life you need two things: ignorance and confidence." There are several moments I can think of in my life that I have found myself in situations feeling trapped, uninspired, or generally disinterested. Despite this, I always find myself making some sort of reason as to why I should continue to remain idle. It would be rude. This is an essential step for success. I'm supposed to do this. There's nothing better happening. We have lots of excuses. Lately, I've been asking myself why I do the things I do. Am I really making decisions because I want to, or am I just classically conditioned to reach for the things that I'm convinced I'm seeking? Do you ever sit through a movie that you think is awful, hoping it will get better? Have you ever wasted hours reading and rereading your news feed, waiting for something exciting to peak your interest - not even realizing how long you've been doing it for? How many times have you spent time with that person you don't really enjoy all that much, simply because you have nothing better to do? I can tell you that these are all things that I have done. What I see is that people have a tendency to just remain at a comfortable constant in their lives. This serves many purposes, some external, and many internal. Without focusing too much on the psychology behind the reasons people ignore their wants, dreams, and goals, and/or put them off to a distant future, there are a few major reasons that are apparent to me: *We don't really try, so we can blame others for our fate. *We love to have something to complain about. *We are afraid. I will admit that I have a bit of difficulty connecting with people that do not possess a similar level of ambition for their passions as myself. Sometimes I can be hard on those people. It is absolutely okay if you are happy with the way your life is. If you do not wish to continue to grow, that is your decision. (I'm trying here...) This post is not about you. It's about all the people out there that are ignoring their real desires and suffering through the consequences. (And making everyone else suffer along with them, as they tend to project these distastes to anyone who will listen after a certain amount of time). If you go to work every day and complain about your job, or your life, or your boyfriend who broke up with you...you know who you are, this is for you. Don't bring your baggage in to every situation you experience, and if you do, keep it to yourself. If dissatisfaction of your life is all you have to discuss then you should realize that you are not at all interesting. It's true that people connect through negativity, that's why complaining works to draw people in. But realize this - you will attract what you expel. The things you discuss with others, and not just your close friends, but everyone you interact with, makes up a large part of who you are. You will attract the type of people that respond to the way you act. Or rather - you get what you give. Others can sense your energy, and they'll remember how you made them feel. Learn to control that and you will find that you will begin to have better relationships. There is a time and a place for everything. It is true that there are certain things that we must do to help us in reaching the goals we wish to pursue in life. Sometimes you will not find these things to be exactly what you would like to be doing. You should still occupy yourself with these tasks. Don't expect to skip essential steps, just because you want to cross the finish line before everyone else. However, know how to tell the difference between a necessary stepping stone and something that is holding you back from your potential. Only you can be the judge of that. I remember being a young child in bible school one evening. After being taught the lesson that said, "Always listen to God's will for you. Don't simply follow your heart, follow what He has planned for you and everything will work out," I raised my hand and asked the speaker how one could ever differentiate between the two. She responded saying something along the lines of, "You should not be selfish and do what you want, you should do what you think God wants for you." "But how do I know what God wants for me except by following my heart and doing things that make me happy?" "You cannot be selfish and do what you want, you must do what God wants," she said again. "I knowww. But didn't God make me special and give me the wants I have for a reason?" She didn't understand. Six year old Remy learned that night that even adults are afraid to ask powerful questions. I decided from that lesson that we are in fact born with skills for whatever reason. And if fate does exist, how else can we find where we belong without experiencing everything we can and follow down the paths those experiences lead us on? Obviously we're supposed to follow our hearts (or wherever our emotions really come from) or we wouldn't have them. And I've never been convinced by anyone else's opinion on the matter ever since. What I've learned: I am not at all certain that I am an expert in deciphering if I am making the right decisions or not. However, I decided long ago that it is best to do what makes you happy. When presented with a choice, struggle, or crossroad in life the most profound question for me always comes down to this: Will this make me happy? Happiness, I feel, is the only real validation that you are in the right place in life, or heading in that direction. If you don't love what you're doing, then don't do it. There are a million people that would be happy to be in your place. Think about the things in life that you really love and find a way to make them your major focus. If you want to go on vacation, go. If you don't like the way you look, then change it. Lose weight, exercise. Take responsibility for your actions and your aspirations. Commit to what you want and make it happen. Don't complain. Don't expect anyone to do anything for you. Tell your leaders what you want, and then prove your worth. But don't waste your whole life waiting for an opportunity that may never come. Only you can know when the time is right to make a life choice. If it's making you happy, truly happy, then it's probably exactly where you're supposed to be. But you only have one chance to get what you want out of life. I can see no reason to justify anything that you don't love. Be a good person, and try not to hurt people along the way. Have integrity and be consistent with the people you love. But do not let the choices you make be made to please anyone else or to run from who you really are. Yes, it's scary to fail. But isn't it much worse not to? I suppose that's up to you. I crave adventure; romance. I like to get hurt, emotions are liberating. Memories are the greatest gift you could ever give yourself. Go play, and make lots of mistakes! Try not to stress too much about the consequences of your actions. If it's not worth the risk, then don't do it. Otherwise, get over it. You won't care about it soon enough. Trust me - I'm a perfectionist. Don't be so hard on yourself and don't create arbitrary lines that you can't cross. You're only hurting yourself. If you keep doing what you're doing, you'll keep getting the results you're getting. A little change never hurt anybody. Life begins at the end of your comfort zone. If you are presented with an appealing opportunity, do it. The lesson learned from the experience will guide you on your way to who you want to become. Ask yourself this question - What would you do if you weren't afraid? I can't see how there could possibly be any other point to your life. You probably shouldn't read this if you like being comfortable in your own vision of the world; this will challenge that. Take a quick second to think about all of the fears you've had in your life up to this point. For me it used to be when my parents left me alone as a young child. To my babysitter's dismay, I called them very upset on more than one occasion claiming I had a bad feeling and that they should come home. I remember always feeling very silly once they came home in one piece, as if I shouldn't have bothered them. Honestly, this fear hasn't really gone away now that I think about it, I just deal with it differently. Now that I've ruined my example due to me being a child with rather rational fears, let's be realistic for a moment. Most kids are afraid of monsters in some capacity, right? First it's the monster under the bed, then it's the monster that will steal you if you talk that stranger, then it's the monster overseas somewhere that we are fighting at war. Or maybe it's the monster in whatever religion you associate yourself with. That probably seems like a pretty big jump to you. "That's not the same thing," you say? The way I see it, no matter what the monster, we tend to react to them the same way, regardless of our age. It's always the same we-they dichotomy. Could it be that we're conditioned to feel this way? Or is it just that this is a balance that is necessary for our survival? We certainly each have at least one type of person, or group of people, that we think of as bad. This is usually a large class of people that either do not agree with our religious beliefs, political agendas, lifestyle choices, or anything else that we consider to be absolutely imperative to our way of life. Because of this, we tend to generalize these people in our minds to be making the wrong choices because they don't agree with us and what we're trying to accomplish at the time. Here's an example: When you think of Germans, you probably see something like this. Obviously this is not what the general public used to conjure up if such things were mentioned. And this truly wasn't all that long ago. Here's what they may have seen: And this. (I hope that's a real department). Before you get too offended, let me be clear. I am in no way suggesting that we are incorrect in seeing the Nazis negatively. Certainly it's never a good idea to commit mass genocide of any group of individuals for any reason, at least as far as I'm concerned. What I am saying is that no matter what, there's always a group of people that is being portrayed in such a light. And they're always doing something bad. And we're always told to hate them. Because we love to have a common enemy to fear. Not convinced? Take a moment to think of the last country on earth you would ever want to be stuck in alone. Keep that in your mind. And figure out what the reasons are. Be honest with yourself - I'm not gonna make you explain it to me or anything. Chances are, it's probably the place where your human bad guys live. We all have our reasons, maybe they're aggressive, maybe they're all participating in a 'cult' religion, maybe they're known to sell children in to armies, either way - we agree that they're our monsters and we are afraid of them. I am not calling you a bad person for this. So what if you just generalized an entire group of people that you've probably never been exposed to. It's not really your fault that you feel that way about them. After all, you've been taught forever that this is the way of the universe - there are bad guys and there are good guys. Obviously everything is black and white and these people need to be taught the correct way to think...right? The reality is that these people are probably just as scared of you too. And they're taught to think and react the same way as you. This is because humans all have the same reaction to fear and hate. Think about the last time you got angry. Like really angry. Didn't it kind of feel good? Remember that rush you felt and it just made you feel like you had the energy to throw a car at someone, or to command your military to drop a bomb somewhere. The fact of the matter is that anger kind of makes us feel a bit invincible. Without getting too technical on you, here's what's going down in the biological sense: Our bodies go in to what is called a 'fight or flight' response. It's pretty self explanatory, and fight is obviously the stronger instinctual response to stress. When that evil person walks right in front of you and just stops and you have to fight the urge to dead leg them to teach them a lesson about survival of the fittest (I can't be the only one), your body is releasing its equivalent of a painkiller. _ This hormone that is released quite literally has the exact same effect on the body as whatever hard drug you feel like picturing in this moment. That means that your brain can't tell the difference. So guess what that means? That means that we're actually addicted to the way it feels when we get angry at something or someone. And that's why everything we see is about someone or something that we should be angry at or about. And why do you think people connect so well to negativity? It's so easy for us to discuss what makes us angry because it actually feels good. We love to hate our job, or our boss, our the weather, or another team, or a terrorist. And now that you're beginning to accept this, here's an example: See, now I'm pumped up. I want Liam to catch those people so badly, and I want him to kill them. He's my moral high ground automatically in this scenario, he can do no wrong, and I'm on his side no matter what. Go get 'em! You know you feel that sensation in the pit of your stomach, like this strange kind of excitement that he's gonna get his revenge and wreck havoc on those people's lives. And they deserve it....right? What I've learned: People can use their understanding of our human nature and the way we react to fear and anger to manipulate us. And they do. We are told to hate certain groups of people at certain times, depending on the global atmosphere. This is perpetuated by every facet of pop culture and the media. We love to blame our problems on the 'bad guy.' Everyone does this. Check out any political ad out there. It's Obamas fault. It's the Bush administration's fault. It's going to be Romney's fault if he gets elected. This is what we do to get people to act. We piss them off. It's the only way. But what does this have to do with us secretly liking to have a common thing to fear exactly? Society uses that addiction to hate and fear and it constantly channels it to get you to react a certain way. This is what triggers your emotions. Cancer is bad, tornadoes are bad, hurricanes are bad...it's not that these things aren't actually bad. It's just that they are also unavoidable. It's not like they're an enemy we can fight. But what if there was an enemy that we could use to empower our people to a common goal? Oh right, there are plenty. So let's first create that fear, then let's tell everyone that we're doing all we can to fix it, and then let's ask them to support us in doing that...but let's not forget to remind them from time to time that this danger is still very real, we don't want anyone getting too comfortable. Here, I'll show you a photo: This is a photo of some of the first responders to one of the many fires on 9/11. This of course is the aftermath of the act of random terrorism by the Middle East that killed thousands of innocent people. Some of these men probably died too, as heroes defending their country. As you look at this photo, I'm certain that you feel some form of emotional response. You want to find them and get revenge. How could they do this to your country? Your people. However, this is actually just a photo of a random accidental fire started by a gas leak. People were still killed as a result of this. And it was carelessly installed thus leading to this disaster. The people still suffered and died just as much. But somehow, you're not as upset about it are you? (Ps, I made up that story to prove a point, though I'm sure that's happened. This is just a random google image). Unfortunately, it's not enough of an emotional reaction from the people to just tell them that it was an accident - we've always got to set the blame on someone or something. BP is terrible because of the oil spill. Is it possible that they just made an error in judgement while trying to save money and that led to a series of unfortunate events that they were actually trying to fix? Probably yes. But that kind of talk isn't gonna make you stand up out of your seat and act now is it? And that's why this makes us feel a little sad for a period of time. (And possibly inspires some of us to donate to some charity somewhere): And this makes us want to go to war to kill the people responsible for the pain they caused: And in case you're still not sure if you believe that you share this common fear with everyone else in your country. Think about the person that comes to your mind as responsible for all of this. And how did it make you feel when you saw this photo: FInally! We are vindicated, right? Now their entire operation will fall to pieces and America will prevail once and for all. The good guys win! Let's focus on North Korea for just a moment. I think we can all agree that their government is a mind controlling machine of a magnitude that is truly terrifying and incomprehensible to us as Americans. Take a look at some of the anti-American propaganda they have out there today. Today. When was the last time you shot a baby in the head, just for kicks and giggles? It's my understanding that Americans tend to not behave this way. If anything, I believe the exact opposite. We let our people vote and speak freely, we let them practice whatever religion they choose, we let them be whoever they wish to be, and on top of that we work to try and make the world a better place by helping them too. Right? Obviously that's not what these kids believe. Look at the happy ones in the back smiling and laughing at such an act! The point is that, people will grow up to believe what they are taught, and in the way they are taught it. I see few ways that one could ever convince these children, once they're fully matured, the truth about America and the type of people we try to be. The reality is that we're exactly the same. And we totally are still justifying it. But their countries are bad, their leaders are teaching them to kill us, their religion tells them to kill themselves as sacrifices. The fact of the matter is, we always need to have someone to be afraid of.
But why? Because the hatred of our fear brings us closer to our people. When we set our sights on a common goal, we become as one. That's what empowerment and nationality is all about. Do you like to watch your favorite team play with your friends? Yes. Do you love it when they beat that team that you dislike? Of course. (And I bet you also love to say how much you hate that other team). This is how we connect to one another. Again, it's all about the we-they dichotomy. We can't be happy without this occuring. It's completely human nature. This is all a necessary evil that exists to perpetuate our happiness. What's safety without a little danger? How can we prove our country is so much better without others to compare it to? We can't. No matter what we do, we are equipped with brains that get off to winning, especially when someone else loses. This is why you don't care when Scar gets thrown from Pride Rock and the hyenas are left to starve to death - they aren't a part of your group and thus they're bad. (Not that Scar wasn't a jerk, but does he really deserve to die because of it...yes! Anyone who does that to Mufasa has it coming). So my point is that no matter who we are or where we come from, we will always make someone the bad guy. If we can understand this quality about one another and work to fight against it, we could work to solve many of the world's problems. It's not that some people aren't actually bad, it's just that we shouldn't let that fact completely control our emotions and cloud our judgement. Next time you're listening to the news or hearing someone complain about something they hate, why not think of the root of that issue and try to ponder both sides of the scenerio. We all think we're right. And that's why we get along with like minded individuals so well. Remember that you are easy to control, all anyone has to do is manipulate your emotions. Control yourself and do some research before you make up your mind about something. Maybe society is right. But that's up to you. Either way, we need those monsters in our closet to exist so that we can work together to drive them away. So no matter what we want to believe, the truth is that we love a good scary movie to make us all warm inside. I can't tell you how long it took me to realize that I was offending people, in more ways that one. Sometimes I still forget. I remember being 6 years old and saying something political to my parents and their friends only to be met with a response similar to, "You are far too young to have such strong opinions," and "Where did you learn that?" My response was always something along the lines of, "Why aren't you people thinking about these things too!" And then I was in seventh grade, sitting not so quietly in science class. The teacher reads something out of the book to the class. My response goes something like this: Me: Am I correct in thinking that science is always changing as we learn new things? Teacher: Yes, of course. Me: How often do you think science learns new things and then changes theories and such? Teacher: All the time! Me: Is there anything you were taught as a child that has changed since then, that you can remember? Teacher (Now not understanding my curiosity): I'm sure there is... Me: Do you think it's possible then that you are actually teaching us something that is outdated? Because books are certainly not as current as the internet, but you guys didn't grow up with the internet...(and I'm sure I continued). Teacher (angry): That's enough. What she didn't know is that I wasn't at all trying to be disobedient or disruptive, I was merely commenting on the fact that the world is always changing and then wondering what we were doing to keep up. I was concerned that I was possibly being taught something the equivalent of the world being flat, only to discover I was wrong all along. How can one retrain an entire society that believes something like that! I was just trying to be proactive. Unfortunately, lots of teachers do not know what to do with a student who is actually curious, and certainly curious beyond her years. Only just a few years ago I was at the oral surgeon's office for a consultation to possibly get my wisdom teeth removed (which I didn't do because I'm a huge baby and also because he told me I didn't really need it...we'll see if I run in to any problems in my future), when the receptionist, after looking over my intake forms, asked me in front of everyone who my dad worked for. I remember being instantly offended, though I tried not to show it. I stifled my urge to scoff at her and say, "Don't you know who my dad is!?" and instead I said, "Self employed," with a genuinely nice smile (at least I think it was). That's what happens when you grow up with a strong, well-known father who happens to actually be a good person too. Possibly the best, actually. Anyhow, I realize now how silly that was to feel that way, and how that woman must have been confused as to why I didn't much like her question. (Actually, she probably didn't even notice at all. She was not the most qualified person I've ever met. But let's be real for a second...I am so not the type to accidentally leave something blank. Technically no one likes to have someone insinuate such things. She should have known better!) It's funny, because now I work for a huge company where I am just merely a tiny speck in existence to anyone who actually matters there. Oh how perceptions change! These are certainly not the only examples that I have hidden away. Unfortunately, it takes a very special type of person to be able to understand and communicate with someone like me and actually have a real conversation. The reality is that I constantly exert so much of my energy on trying to ensure that the person I am interacting with is comfortable. As someone who has studied psychology, as well as someone who spends a lot of her spare time reading about new studies and observing people and their tendencies, I possess a wide range of manipulative social skills that I can channel to draw the reaction out of the other person I am seeking or I think they wish to have (maybe I shouldn't tell you this). Go read How To Win Friends and Influence People, it'll be a great crash course for you. But realize that if you do so you will never be the same. Professionally, these skills are great to have. I genuinely enjoy making an upset guest happy and it's always a fun challenge to add some variety to my job in the path I choose to take in doing so. What they don't know is that it's really rather easy to trick people in to thinking they're getting exactly what they wanted all along...and that's an important skill to have when pursuing anything professional while interacting with others. But socially, and personally, I find myself just having to politely smile and offer minimum input, depending on the person. Most people like to be the center of attention in some capacity, so anyone that makes them feel that their place in their group or setting is challenged, affecting their 'circle of life' if you will, will cause them to be defensive. And as for all the others that don't wish to be the center of attention, their role in life is to follow the ones that do. They will just feed off of whatever the stronger people are feeling. But I'm aware of this, so all I have to do is be really nice and make certain the person knows I'm not trying to threaten them, right? The problem is that most people are also incredibly insecure, so now matter what you do to try and make them feel comfortable, they seem to subconsciously assume it's just a clever ploy to attack them when they least expect it. Basically, no matter what you do to try to make someone happy and offer a peaceful olive branch of sorts, if you have any quality at all that the other person perceives to be even potentially threatening, your attempts are futile. Another exciting factor of this is the variety of talents and qualities we each uniquely possess, so you never know what exactly it is about your existence that has so deeply offended the other person...without you even saying a word. Think back to any friend you've ever had or person you've ever know for a second. How many of them do you know that actually surround themselves with people that are trying to make them better? How many people do you know that want to be challenged positively, receive honestly, and truly connect to the people they call friends? In my experience, not too many. What I see are a lot of people that surround themselves with people only there to make them avoid the silences of life. People don't seem to want anyone who actually loves them too often, it makes them feel like they have some sort of responsibility to also be a good person. Or, you have the type that wants you to give them the world but is no where to be seen when it's not convenient for them. These people secretly hate you. Also probably themselves too. What I've learned: To be a true leader is to live a lonely life... But you can't ever conquer the world if you're afraid what people think. - Albert Einstein This is a tough one. I admit it, I'm a bit of a control freak. Classically, I over think pretty much everything. Truly, I personally think this gives me an advantage in many situations in life. When it comes to work, school, relationships, even leisure, I have a great affinity for details and an obsession with doing things correctly and thoroughly. I will plan a vacation for someone, or myself, ensuring I have covered every possible detail for them so they will have nothing to think about but relaxing. I will give my friend or partner a gift that I know they will absolutely love...and you better believe it will be a surprise too. I spend most all of my energy trying to make people feel loved and comfortable. I think it's very important to let the special people in your life know how important they are to you. Unfortunately, these same qualities seem to affect the part of myself that I need to feel most alive. Because I over think things, I have this nasty little habit of being able to predict people's every move. A moment in life where I am truly surprised is very rare, but something I crave so much, in every aspect. I think because I am so used to being able to see people for what they really are, I've learned to not expect very much from anyone, except for a small hand full. And within that hand full, I expect them to hold themselves to the same standard that I hold myself. I suppose that's not really fair. But there's got to be someone out there that has the same level of respect for other humans as me, right? How does one find the balance between these two extremes? Is it possible for me to not be so unenthused with predictability? (Probably not, but I rather enjoy watching people react to my stimuli). Basically, I realize that I am probably an incredibly difficult person to please, in more ways that one. (Don't you roll your eyes...). It's human nature to be this way. Really, as I think of the people in life that I tend to scoff at, they are the people that I think are wasting their potential. Maybe they're not working hard enough at work, maybe they're ignoring a huge personal issue in their lives, or maybe they're just choosing to not channel one of their talents. We're all constantly over thinking everything. But we can't help it can we? We're conditioned to be this way. First you're in preschool preparing for elementary school, then for middle school, high school, college, grad school, the 'real' world, marriage, jobs, kids. I sometimes wonder how much of what we do we would really want if it weren't for the inertia of our lives. It seems to me that we're taught not to really appreciate the moments that we're in. It doesn't really even make sense. It's funny, because children actually do not recognize long-term goals in the same way that the adult mind does. So telling a child that they have to do well in 5k so that they can be whatever they want to be when they grow up quite possibly means almost nothing to them. So what does this do to us, really? It causes us to be much too aware of our surroundings. Or maybe I'm wrong, maybe it's just a left over instinct that is another constant reminder that we're living incredibly arbitrary lives (compared to those of our ancestors that quite possibly fought dragons and such) Like wisdom teeth. And men being masculine. What I'm learning: Lucid moments are absolutely imperative. There's little point in trying to control everything. I find that I regret more the times I've wasted being afraid to make a mistake than the actual mistakes that I felt I made at the time. It's actually quite fun to make mistakes, really. Some of my greatest friendships have come out of some rather questionable decisions for the time. Sometimes it's great to do something a little crazy. It's ok to let yourself fall in love. It's ok to stay out too late, even if you have to get up early. Why not actually enjoy those moments when you get caught in the rain? I'm trying not to over think my life, and I'm trying to live in my life, my right now life. I'm in such a great place. Just a baby really, still just trying to find where I belong. I am desperately trying to hold on all the rawness of it all. I wish I could feel the strength of every emotion like I did as a child. Everything is so new and exciting and when something makes you sad, it hurts...more than anything. Don't make excuses as to why you shouldn't do something that you want to do. Just do it! Move to Europe, quit your job, tell the person you love how you really feel - even if it hurts, do what you want. For once in your life. Otherwise, what's the point? In the words of the Goo Goo Dolls: "You bleed just to know you're alive." Don't judge me. Something I reference a lot to myself is the scene in The Notebook where Allie and Noah are on the boat. (Spoiler Alert). It starts to rain. Allie is so frustrated with this because all she wants is to figure out why she can't seem to shake her feelings for this boy. She wants everything to be perfect, just as she remembers it. As the rain starts, she tries so hard not to let it ruin her goals. At some point though, as inevitable in these rain storms, you've got to let go. There's absolutely nothing that can be done. You can either let it ruin your day, or you can enjoy it. I try to think about moments that frustrate or upset me as that brief time when the rain starts, before it makes you laugh uncontrollably. All I have to do is let myself get there. As Allie is able to let go, she finds herself in a place of raw emotion. Which is always a danger in these moments, and certainly a reason for all the control. She is able to live completely in the moment, not worrying about anything else and just living without her inhibitions for a brief time. Because of this, she let's something in that she'd been avoiding all of her life up until that point. I think that if we can get better at doing this, we would all be much happier. I am actually similar to Allie in lots of ways. She's a very hard worker, raised very fortunate but with the expectations that come along with an upbringing like that, a bit uptight, very stubborn, perhaps a little bit spoiled, a little shy at times, but with a childlike passion for the world around her, and certainly very indecisive - but always having the confidence and freedom to make the decisions she wants (even though she probably takes it a bit for granted), among other things. And someone like Noah who seems to know just want to do to break down Allie's walls is something that a girl like that needs. We all have a certain balance that we're craving. We've just got to stop thinking and live. And just because I think you deserve to see the whole scene. ;) |
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September 2014
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