I've always had difficulty connecting to people, in one way or another. Not because I don't try, but because the type of interactions I am constantly searching for are few and far between and incredibly rare. Despite my efforts, I am profoundly opposed to simple, small talk and the cyclical patterns of ups and downs that I watch most relationships suffer from. It seems to me that, although people claim they want to find their 'soul mate' or their 'best friend,' what most people are looking for is someone to give voice to their inner silence so they can avoid having to answer life's big questions. Why seek something greater if you have others around to occupy you? To me, this is the easy way to coast through your life, no real responsibility to anyone or anything - but always just a consenting participant. One of the masses. I am completely unable to relate to this mentality in so, so many others. They have to be aware that the people they spend their time on feel just the same way about them, right? Lukewarm.
I first became aware of this when I was about 11. I have a childhood friend that lives her life this way, still to this day. She is fantastic fun and I always have a good time when I spend time with her, but each interaction is always so clearly guarded by strict lines that are not to be crossed. Namely, no expectations can be had at any point. And I don't even mean the expectation that she would be there in an emergency, I mean like...nothing - not even plans for later in the evening. She always operates on an "Only if it's perfect for me," mentality. And yet the expectation on her friends from her is considerable. It seems to be how these types of things work. And yet somehow, she seems happy...at least outwardly.
Although this friend is an example, she is by no means the only person in my life that operates in this fashion. Everyone in the world has different degrees of themselves that they are willing to share with the world, and each of those comes with a different level of expectation from others. The consistency and 'responsibility' in a relationship of any kind is what makes it worth while. Through an unspoken promise we make to our friends and lovers that we will be there for them, we are able to create a safe environment where we have the blessing of learning about one another, and perhaps more importantly, learn from one another. It is through these relationships that we are able to discover ourselves and learn who we are, how we feel about the world, and so many other profoundly important things. But what happens when no one is willing to put in the time and effort required to achieve this? What then happens to the world?
It's an absurd phenomenon to me because it's truly very ironic. How often do we hear others complain about how no one is listening, or how they just want to find that perfect love? The reality is that you are going to get what you give as far as relationships are concerned. This is not to say that people will not disappoint you. What I mean is, if you are not actually wanting to connect to the person you are spending your time with, how can you expect them to do the same for you? Take a minute to think about your best relationship for just a minute...what separates it from the rest? Is it because you grew up together and don't know anything else? Is it a sibling that has always been there? Is it that person you met on the first day at a new school? Is it your new roommate that you found on the internet and call your best friend because of proximity? Why is this person special to you? For me, what separates the people I value apart from everyone else is the connection I am able to make to them.
There is a quote that goes something like this:
Simple minds discuss others.
Average minds discuss events.
Great minds discuss ideas.
I like to think about this when I am observing relationships around me. People seem to thrive on negativity. The existence of this negativity is the basis of their relationship and probably the only real reason that they have anything to say to one another. This overflows in to every facet of this relationship. The people they hate, the things they hate, the line is too long, the server is too slow, the weather sucks, that person did this to me once, et cetera. And then something I find to be extremely strange occurs: they do this to each other. Now, suddenly a group of friends forms and is made up of people who are each saying negative things about the others, consistently. And they know this is happening! Do any of them really like one another? And how do they come up with so many 'small talk' things to say? I just can not for the life of me understand what these types of people are gaining from one another except the lack of outward loneliness. But maybe that's all they're seeking...
What I've Learned:
People do not really care about you. They might seem that they do for a glimmer of time, but when you get to the core of the relationship - it's always about what they can get out of it. People are seeking others to fill their spare time, but they do not actually perceive you as a real person. This begs the age-old question of whether altruism is or is not real. My theory is that everything we do is a show for others in one way or another. The clothes we wear, the job we have; everything is all to create a very specific image of what we want to project to the world. This is no different when it comes to 'good deeds' we do for others. This is the exact thing that makes charities so successful. People love to show off all the good they've done for the world. But what about the people that do silent good deeds that no one ever hears about? This still makes that person feel that they are a better person for what they did. Maybe they did want to do something nice for someone else, but only because they like the way it makes them feel. This is not altruism, it's narcissism. I like to believe it exists out there somewhere in chosen special people. I'll even say that I believe myself to be one of those people, because one of my life's callings is to connect to others, and to help them learn to do so in return. But I can't be the judge of that. Truly, that's why a real friend is not only important, but imperative - friendship provides perspective, and it makes you a better person.
We sort of live in an age of 'whoever cares the least has the most power,' in relationships. Technology and social media certainly have their roles in this mentality, but truly it's more profound than that. In life, we are given the capacity to think and process ideas, concepts, and emotions. It is our quest to learn to connect to the world around us and our responsibility to ourselves not to let the fear of what we might discover cripple us. This is why we are designed to respond to community. We genuinely need others to help us along this path, to support us, guide us, and love us - just as we do for them. Unfortunately, it has become the norm to let this fear prevent us from really seeking what would satisfy us. True companionship. No limits. No barriers. No rules. Just raw love. Just as you would do anything for whatever you think is the most important thing in your life, it is my sincere hope that you can learn to bring that in to your friendships, too. What is so scary about letting someone really see you?
So, if you're really lucky, you will find at least one person who really loves you. Without conditions. This means that this person will love you no matter what happens, no matter how difficult. You are forever bonded by your love for each other and the loyalty that stems from that is unbreakable. While up to this point I've only been able to find that with my family, it is my passionate hope that it is possible for this love to exist out of the dynamic of your nuclear family system. I see no reason you can't love someone unconditionally that wasn't born right next to you. Maybe love is taught. Maybe it is felt. And maybe if you don't have an example of this kind of love in your foundation, you are unable to experience it. Whatever the reason may be, I wish you all the gift of an unconditional relationship with another. But I urge you to be the type of person that gives this love in return. If we can truly accomplish this, we could change the world - one relationship at a time.
I first became aware of this when I was about 11. I have a childhood friend that lives her life this way, still to this day. She is fantastic fun and I always have a good time when I spend time with her, but each interaction is always so clearly guarded by strict lines that are not to be crossed. Namely, no expectations can be had at any point. And I don't even mean the expectation that she would be there in an emergency, I mean like...nothing - not even plans for later in the evening. She always operates on an "Only if it's perfect for me," mentality. And yet the expectation on her friends from her is considerable. It seems to be how these types of things work. And yet somehow, she seems happy...at least outwardly.
Although this friend is an example, she is by no means the only person in my life that operates in this fashion. Everyone in the world has different degrees of themselves that they are willing to share with the world, and each of those comes with a different level of expectation from others. The consistency and 'responsibility' in a relationship of any kind is what makes it worth while. Through an unspoken promise we make to our friends and lovers that we will be there for them, we are able to create a safe environment where we have the blessing of learning about one another, and perhaps more importantly, learn from one another. It is through these relationships that we are able to discover ourselves and learn who we are, how we feel about the world, and so many other profoundly important things. But what happens when no one is willing to put in the time and effort required to achieve this? What then happens to the world?
It's an absurd phenomenon to me because it's truly very ironic. How often do we hear others complain about how no one is listening, or how they just want to find that perfect love? The reality is that you are going to get what you give as far as relationships are concerned. This is not to say that people will not disappoint you. What I mean is, if you are not actually wanting to connect to the person you are spending your time with, how can you expect them to do the same for you? Take a minute to think about your best relationship for just a minute...what separates it from the rest? Is it because you grew up together and don't know anything else? Is it a sibling that has always been there? Is it that person you met on the first day at a new school? Is it your new roommate that you found on the internet and call your best friend because of proximity? Why is this person special to you? For me, what separates the people I value apart from everyone else is the connection I am able to make to them.
There is a quote that goes something like this:
Simple minds discuss others.
Average minds discuss events.
Great minds discuss ideas.
I like to think about this when I am observing relationships around me. People seem to thrive on negativity. The existence of this negativity is the basis of their relationship and probably the only real reason that they have anything to say to one another. This overflows in to every facet of this relationship. The people they hate, the things they hate, the line is too long, the server is too slow, the weather sucks, that person did this to me once, et cetera. And then something I find to be extremely strange occurs: they do this to each other. Now, suddenly a group of friends forms and is made up of people who are each saying negative things about the others, consistently. And they know this is happening! Do any of them really like one another? And how do they come up with so many 'small talk' things to say? I just can not for the life of me understand what these types of people are gaining from one another except the lack of outward loneliness. But maybe that's all they're seeking...
What I've Learned:
People do not really care about you. They might seem that they do for a glimmer of time, but when you get to the core of the relationship - it's always about what they can get out of it. People are seeking others to fill their spare time, but they do not actually perceive you as a real person. This begs the age-old question of whether altruism is or is not real. My theory is that everything we do is a show for others in one way or another. The clothes we wear, the job we have; everything is all to create a very specific image of what we want to project to the world. This is no different when it comes to 'good deeds' we do for others. This is the exact thing that makes charities so successful. People love to show off all the good they've done for the world. But what about the people that do silent good deeds that no one ever hears about? This still makes that person feel that they are a better person for what they did. Maybe they did want to do something nice for someone else, but only because they like the way it makes them feel. This is not altruism, it's narcissism. I like to believe it exists out there somewhere in chosen special people. I'll even say that I believe myself to be one of those people, because one of my life's callings is to connect to others, and to help them learn to do so in return. But I can't be the judge of that. Truly, that's why a real friend is not only important, but imperative - friendship provides perspective, and it makes you a better person.
We sort of live in an age of 'whoever cares the least has the most power,' in relationships. Technology and social media certainly have their roles in this mentality, but truly it's more profound than that. In life, we are given the capacity to think and process ideas, concepts, and emotions. It is our quest to learn to connect to the world around us and our responsibility to ourselves not to let the fear of what we might discover cripple us. This is why we are designed to respond to community. We genuinely need others to help us along this path, to support us, guide us, and love us - just as we do for them. Unfortunately, it has become the norm to let this fear prevent us from really seeking what would satisfy us. True companionship. No limits. No barriers. No rules. Just raw love. Just as you would do anything for whatever you think is the most important thing in your life, it is my sincere hope that you can learn to bring that in to your friendships, too. What is so scary about letting someone really see you?
So, if you're really lucky, you will find at least one person who really loves you. Without conditions. This means that this person will love you no matter what happens, no matter how difficult. You are forever bonded by your love for each other and the loyalty that stems from that is unbreakable. While up to this point I've only been able to find that with my family, it is my passionate hope that it is possible for this love to exist out of the dynamic of your nuclear family system. I see no reason you can't love someone unconditionally that wasn't born right next to you. Maybe love is taught. Maybe it is felt. And maybe if you don't have an example of this kind of love in your foundation, you are unable to experience it. Whatever the reason may be, I wish you all the gift of an unconditional relationship with another. But I urge you to be the type of person that gives this love in return. If we can truly accomplish this, we could change the world - one relationship at a time.