This is a tough one. I admit it, I'm a bit of a control freak. Classically, I over think pretty much everything. Truly, I personally think this gives me an advantage in many situations in life. When it comes to work, school, relationships, even leisure, I have a great affinity for details and an obsession with doing things correctly and thoroughly. I will plan a vacation for someone, or myself, ensuring I have covered every possible detail for them so they will have nothing to think about but relaxing. I will give my friend or partner a gift that I know they will absolutely love...and you better believe it will be a surprise too. I spend most all of my energy trying to make people feel loved and comfortable. I think it's very important to let the special people in your life know how important they are to you. Unfortunately, these same qualities seem to affect the part of myself that I need to feel most alive.
Because I over think things, I have this nasty little habit of being able to predict people's every move. A moment in life where I am truly surprised is very rare, but something I crave so much, in every aspect. I think because I am so used to being able to see people for what they really are, I've learned to not expect very much from anyone, except for a small hand full. And within that hand full, I expect them to hold themselves to the same standard that I hold myself. I suppose that's not really fair. But there's got to be someone out there that has the same level of respect for other humans as me, right? How does one find the balance between these two extremes? Is it possible for me to not be so unenthused with predictability? (Probably not, but I rather enjoy watching people react to my stimuli). Basically, I realize that I am probably an incredibly difficult person to please, in more ways that one. (Don't you roll your eyes...).
It's human nature to be this way. Really, as I think of the people in life that I tend to scoff at, they are the people that I think are wasting their potential. Maybe they're not working hard enough at work, maybe they're ignoring a huge personal issue in their lives, or maybe they're just choosing to not channel one of their talents. We're all constantly over thinking everything. But we can't help it can we? We're conditioned to be this way. First you're in preschool preparing for elementary school, then for middle school, high school, college, grad school, the 'real' world, marriage, jobs, kids. I sometimes wonder how much of what we do we would really want if it weren't for the inertia of our lives. It seems to me that we're taught not to really appreciate the moments that we're in. It doesn't really even make sense. It's funny, because children actually do not recognize long-term goals in the same way that the adult mind does. So telling a child that they have to do well in 5k so that they can be whatever they want to be when they grow up quite possibly means almost nothing to them. So what does this do to us, really? It causes us to be much too aware of our surroundings. Or maybe I'm wrong, maybe it's just a left over instinct that is another constant reminder that we're living incredibly arbitrary lives (compared to those of our ancestors that quite possibly fought dragons and such) Like wisdom teeth. And men being masculine.
What I'm learning:
Lucid moments are absolutely imperative. There's little point in trying to control everything. I find that I regret more the times I've wasted being afraid to make a mistake than the actual mistakes that I felt I made at the time. It's actually quite fun to make mistakes, really. Some of my greatest friendships have come out of some rather questionable decisions for the time. Sometimes it's great to do something a little crazy. It's ok to let yourself fall in love. It's ok to stay out too late, even if you have to get up early. Why not actually enjoy those moments when you get caught in the rain?
I'm trying not to over think my life, and I'm trying to live in my life, my right now life. I'm in such a great place. Just a baby really, still just trying to find where I belong. I am desperately trying to hold on all the rawness of it all. I wish I could feel the strength of every emotion like I did as a child. Everything is so new and exciting and when something makes you sad, it hurts...more than anything. Don't make excuses as to why you shouldn't do something that you want to do. Just do it! Move to Europe, quit your job, tell the person you love how you really feel - even if it hurts, do what you want. For once in your life. Otherwise, what's the point?
In the words of the Goo Goo Dolls:
"You bleed just to know you're alive."
Don't judge me. Something I reference a lot to myself is the scene in The Notebook where Allie and Noah are on the boat. (Spoiler Alert). It starts to rain. Allie is so frustrated with this because all she wants is to figure out why she can't seem to shake her feelings for this boy. She wants everything to be perfect, just as she remembers it. As the rain starts, she tries so hard not to let it ruin her goals. At some point though, as inevitable in these rain storms, you've got to let go. There's absolutely nothing that can be done. You can either let it ruin your day, or you can enjoy it. I try to think about moments that frustrate or upset me as that brief time when the rain starts, before it makes you laugh uncontrollably. All I have to do is let myself get there.
As Allie is able to let go, she finds herself in a place of raw emotion. Which is always a danger in these moments, and certainly a reason for all the control. She is able to live completely in the moment, not worrying about anything else and just living without her inhibitions for a brief time. Because of this, she let's something in that she'd been avoiding all of her life up until that point. I think that if we can get better at doing this, we would all be much happier.
I am actually similar to Allie in lots of ways. She's a very hard worker, raised very fortunate but with the expectations that come along with an upbringing like that, a bit uptight, very stubborn, perhaps a little bit spoiled, a little shy at times, but with a childlike passion for the world around her, and certainly very indecisive - but always having the confidence and freedom to make the decisions she wants (even though she probably takes it a bit for granted), among other things. And someone like Noah who seems to know just want to do to break down Allie's walls is something that a girl like that needs. We all have a certain balance that we're craving. We've just got to stop thinking and live.
Because I over think things, I have this nasty little habit of being able to predict people's every move. A moment in life where I am truly surprised is very rare, but something I crave so much, in every aspect. I think because I am so used to being able to see people for what they really are, I've learned to not expect very much from anyone, except for a small hand full. And within that hand full, I expect them to hold themselves to the same standard that I hold myself. I suppose that's not really fair. But there's got to be someone out there that has the same level of respect for other humans as me, right? How does one find the balance between these two extremes? Is it possible for me to not be so unenthused with predictability? (Probably not, but I rather enjoy watching people react to my stimuli). Basically, I realize that I am probably an incredibly difficult person to please, in more ways that one. (Don't you roll your eyes...).
It's human nature to be this way. Really, as I think of the people in life that I tend to scoff at, they are the people that I think are wasting their potential. Maybe they're not working hard enough at work, maybe they're ignoring a huge personal issue in their lives, or maybe they're just choosing to not channel one of their talents. We're all constantly over thinking everything. But we can't help it can we? We're conditioned to be this way. First you're in preschool preparing for elementary school, then for middle school, high school, college, grad school, the 'real' world, marriage, jobs, kids. I sometimes wonder how much of what we do we would really want if it weren't for the inertia of our lives. It seems to me that we're taught not to really appreciate the moments that we're in. It doesn't really even make sense. It's funny, because children actually do not recognize long-term goals in the same way that the adult mind does. So telling a child that they have to do well in 5k so that they can be whatever they want to be when they grow up quite possibly means almost nothing to them. So what does this do to us, really? It causes us to be much too aware of our surroundings. Or maybe I'm wrong, maybe it's just a left over instinct that is another constant reminder that we're living incredibly arbitrary lives (compared to those of our ancestors that quite possibly fought dragons and such) Like wisdom teeth. And men being masculine.
What I'm learning:
Lucid moments are absolutely imperative. There's little point in trying to control everything. I find that I regret more the times I've wasted being afraid to make a mistake than the actual mistakes that I felt I made at the time. It's actually quite fun to make mistakes, really. Some of my greatest friendships have come out of some rather questionable decisions for the time. Sometimes it's great to do something a little crazy. It's ok to let yourself fall in love. It's ok to stay out too late, even if you have to get up early. Why not actually enjoy those moments when you get caught in the rain?
I'm trying not to over think my life, and I'm trying to live in my life, my right now life. I'm in such a great place. Just a baby really, still just trying to find where I belong. I am desperately trying to hold on all the rawness of it all. I wish I could feel the strength of every emotion like I did as a child. Everything is so new and exciting and when something makes you sad, it hurts...more than anything. Don't make excuses as to why you shouldn't do something that you want to do. Just do it! Move to Europe, quit your job, tell the person you love how you really feel - even if it hurts, do what you want. For once in your life. Otherwise, what's the point?
In the words of the Goo Goo Dolls:
"You bleed just to know you're alive."
Don't judge me. Something I reference a lot to myself is the scene in The Notebook where Allie and Noah are on the boat. (Spoiler Alert). It starts to rain. Allie is so frustrated with this because all she wants is to figure out why she can't seem to shake her feelings for this boy. She wants everything to be perfect, just as she remembers it. As the rain starts, she tries so hard not to let it ruin her goals. At some point though, as inevitable in these rain storms, you've got to let go. There's absolutely nothing that can be done. You can either let it ruin your day, or you can enjoy it. I try to think about moments that frustrate or upset me as that brief time when the rain starts, before it makes you laugh uncontrollably. All I have to do is let myself get there.
As Allie is able to let go, she finds herself in a place of raw emotion. Which is always a danger in these moments, and certainly a reason for all the control. She is able to live completely in the moment, not worrying about anything else and just living without her inhibitions for a brief time. Because of this, she let's something in that she'd been avoiding all of her life up until that point. I think that if we can get better at doing this, we would all be much happier.
I am actually similar to Allie in lots of ways. She's a very hard worker, raised very fortunate but with the expectations that come along with an upbringing like that, a bit uptight, very stubborn, perhaps a little bit spoiled, a little shy at times, but with a childlike passion for the world around her, and certainly very indecisive - but always having the confidence and freedom to make the decisions she wants (even though she probably takes it a bit for granted), among other things. And someone like Noah who seems to know just want to do to break down Allie's walls is something that a girl like that needs. We all have a certain balance that we're craving. We've just got to stop thinking and live.
And just because I think you deserve to see the whole scene. ;)